the kill

And as much as I would like to hit the backspace, all I could ever do was send.

Cit had never in her life felt so guilty about love. She was no cheater or liar. When it comes to love, she loved like there was no tomorrow. No one could probably compare to her hunger for affection. It was no work and was never a play. Like an average girl in-love, she dreamed of all things and hoped for all the good parts. Heartaches were like headaches, annoyingly painful and almost unbearable, but remedied. Fact and flaw, she reaches a point where it was most for the other one than for her. It was listed on her love-files: GIVES AND UNDERSTANDS LIKE NO OTHER. That catches them all, attracts and baits hungry and lonely hearts. It is also the very thing that breaks her.

It was always bothering when one has to deal with the have-to's and don't-wants. Cit viewed as being too mature for a simple matter. But it was always the trigger to all the biggest keypoints in her life. And as far as she knows, it wasn't ever this hard.

All I know, is that I should.

Wookie made it harder for her. She always do, unconsciously maybe. After seeing the wounds, a knife was straight-forwardly stabbed. Right there, on that spot. Misery, pain, emotions bled out like hell. But Cit embraced them, for an open wound was fatal. Time passed by slowly, and Wookie's hand was reaching out again from the shadows. What now?, Cita thought. Hoping for a hug, a pat or just one last touch would help and Cit wanted it all so badly. But curiously enough, the hand shot right past and went straight for the buried knife. It held it tightly, and Cit knew what was coming. As pleas were given, she closed her eyes and prepared for the worst. It was all too familiar. It was all too sad.

Nothing but a song represented her, and that was all she planned to give. It was her only answer. And through Kelly Clarkson's words, she wrote unsteadily:

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die..
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you but now I can't stop..

I want you to know
that it doesn't matter where we take this road
someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone..

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
that doesn't always make you want to cry
It startted with the prefect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you

Damn this. Damn it all. Come on girl, you can do it.

I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Now I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
So, I'm already gone...

I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry." Such a pathetic way of starting it and ending it. Then the hand pushed the knife in, completely buried inside of her. The hand and everything else slowly backs away, retreats and fades away. It was exactly how Cit expected it to be. But no matter how perfectly smart you are to know what exactly is coming for you, the pain would be inevitable. Serves you right, something told her. It serves you right.

Living in a dangerous moment, Cit was bleeding, lost and confuse. The guilt built up crazily inside of her. Why should she feel like the murderer? When the blade's completely obscured inside the freshest wound, who was to blame? Did the guilt come with the stab? Was it the lost presence of blood? Cit touched the wound, felt the blade and then suddenly understood. Hers wasn't the only blow delivered. And hers wasn't the most painful. Possibly.

Bleed it out. Keep the knife buried. Treasure the blade. Take the kill, Cit. You gotta take the kill.

Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been this easy kill
I guess I always will